What is a high conflict divorce and custody coach?

A high conflict divorce or custody battle pertains to any divorce or custody issues that involve a high conflict individual. A high conflict divorce and custody coach helps navigate divorce, child custody, and co-parenting issues with a high conflict individual.  I actually prefer the term Post Separation Abuse to High Conflict Divorce because the former identifies that it is the post separation abuse carried out by the perpetrator/abuser that creates the toxic situation to which the victim/survivor responds. In my opinion, the term "high conflict divorce" gives the illusion that both parties are equally a part of the problem. 

High Conflict Individuals tend to have distorted thoughts, emotions, actions and reactions. They often see themselves as the victim and do not react well to anything they feel could negatively impact other people’s perceptions of them.  They blame others, especially the healthy parent and even the child, while they believe that they are free of responsibility for the problem.  They are  determined to keep conflict going, even covertly, to remain in control. High Conflict Individuals often seek revenge and prolong the divorce and custody process in an attempt to punish the other party in the divorce.  Although not required, high conflict individuals may have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or as having narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline traits. 

The first time I heard Tina Swithin say that being in the family court system was akin to running an ultramarathon, I was in my 5th year of litigation. I remember naively believing that I had to be close to the end of my family court journey. 

The reality is that many of us are under the microscope of the family court system until our youngest child reaches the age of 18. We never know when the next motion will be filed because when legal abuse is present, litigation is often based on lies, misrepresentations, and manipulation, not anything we've actually done. 

• Take a personal inventory and set goals for your divorce and/or custody battle
• Formulate a plan to leave a toxic relationship
• Understand high conflict individuals and their behavior patterns
• Understand coercive control vs. situational domestic violence
• Communicate strategically with a high conflict co-parent
• Co-parent with a high conflict individual
• Manage expectations in family court
• Navigate the family court system (mediation, negotiations, child custody evaluations, strategy, and documentation)
• Understand your own triggers and how they are contributing to your situation
• Help your child(ren) cope with an unhealthy parent
• Advocate for changes in the family court system

Divorce coaching is a flexible, goal-oriented process designed to support, motivate, and guide people going through divorce to help them make the best possible decisions for their future, based on their particular interests, needs, and concerns. Divorce coaches have different professional backgrounds and are selected based on the specific needs of the clients.  For example, some divorce coaches are financial planners, mental health professionals, lawyers, or mediators who have experience dealing with divorcing clients.

- American Bar Association

A Santa Clara University study “Confronting the Challenge of the High-Conflict Personality in Family Court” (Family Law Quarterly) showcases the challenges of divorcing a narcissist or other high-conflict individual:“Instead of the typical motivation toward settlement, these cases feature a party who is drawn toward, rather than away from, conflict. Whether animated by a genuine belief in their cause, anger over the loss of a relationship, a desire to harass their now-opponent, an affinity for the pageantry of court, or some combination of these factors and others, the litigious client presses the family law court into service.What distinguishes cases involving high-conflict personalities from these more typical disputes is that the individual with a high-conflict personality is not simply struggling to process a life transition. Instead, this individual is fueled by conflict; indeed, they obtain emotional or psychological gratification from it. One of the hallmarks of these cases is that the conflict is so protracted that it becomes normalized. Rather than progressing toward resolution, as time passes in these cases, the idea of a settlement grows increasingly remote.”.